Smiles and Tears

Yesterday we headed back to the Civil Registry to finalize our adoption. Again the room was filled with people from all over the world waiting to pick up their children and answer the simple questions they ask: Why are you adopting a child from China? How old are you? What is the date of your marriage? Simple questions really except they seemed difficult to my dear husband. The hardest one: when were we married. He would answer hestitantly, afraid he might get it wrong and looking to me for assistance. I can only imagine what the interviewer must have thought. Yet even to me the moment seemed surreal. Here I have a baby in my arms and I can't hear very well what is being asked of me, nor make out the words due to my interviewer's heavy accent. I am trying to keep a bottle in Jaina's mouth and soothe her cries while politely trying to pay attention. The moment felt like an eternity but was over in a matter of minutes. A photograph was taken of us with Jaina and it was made official. She is ours! Jaina is our daughter from now until forever and I am so happy, but at the same time sad that I will be taking her away from her homeland and that she won't have the opportunity to grow up among her people, knowing her language. I think of her birthmother often and wonder if she ever thinks about her, or if she has moved on. Her loss has become my gain and I thank her for making the choice to have her adopted. She put her baby's well being first. A man stopped us today and told us that we were good hearted for doing this, but I don't feel like I deserve praise for wanting another child. I have always thought of adoption even before my own girls were born. I am just glad God has given us the opportunity and made it a reality for us. Throughout all of this, Briana was very clingy and whiny. She is feeling the loss of youngest child status and has been very teary, wanting Daddy to hold her, trying to grasp those last few straws of youngest baby perks before they're gone forever. But just as soon as this behavior appears, it is gone--once again replaced by the enthusiasm of having a little sister to play with. Alina has embraced her older sister status once again and thrives in it. Already she is telling me what Jaina likes best--how to hold her, what to do to soothe her when she cries. She is becoming a little Mommy. I tease her that since she has become such an expert at telling Mom what to do, her next task will be taking over diaper duty. I'll never forget the look on her face! While Briana flip flopped between her feelings of grief and elation, Jaina went from being consistantly sad to occasionally cheerful. Yesterday she started giggling when the girls began playing peek-a-boo with her and doing whatever they could to make her smile. I finally saw the baby from the photographs. Jaina can be such a sad little thing. I can see that she is still sizing us up. She hasn't given herself freely just yet. She is waiting to see if we are worth it and I respect that. She is so small and frail. I feel like I have a newborn instead of a one year-old, but there are moments when she reminds me that she is not as helpless as a newborn. I have to put things that might hurt her out of her reach at the dinner table and when she has had enough to eat, she shakes her head. She doesn't just turn away, she shakes her head from side to side when she doesn't want anymore food. This afternoon we learned that she eats rice. When it came out she perked right up. I fed it to her with chopsticks and she loved it. After two days of formula and congee (watery rice cereal) she surprised me. This afternoon we and another adoptive family from our agency were taken to get our daughters' adoption certificates. The photograph of the the three of us together taken at the Civil Registry the day before, was affixed to the certificate and sealed. It was an official document which we will cherish forever because it declares us an official family. Tomorrow, the day I have been looking forward to, finally arrives. We will be visiting her orphanage in Huizhou City--a three hour drive from Guangzhou. This is where her story begins and where I will compile the history to answer the tough questions 8 to 10 years from now. I am very nervous and I hope I can remember to ask the right questions for her sake.